Waiting for a sampan with Elroi in Semporna, Sabah

So this is a thing that's happening. 

We were having lunch together when Ian my editor casually said, "By the way, we might be sending you to London."

It was for an Air Asia assignment, something I had heard about months ago but forgot as soon as the next wave of work washed over our team. So it didn't hit me immediately.

I kept quiet. In writing it sounds stupid, but I was really afraid that if I said something - anything - he'd change his mind, or the assignment would get cancelled, or someone else (someone more qualified) would be sent to replace me. I was afraid that if I even believed it remotely hard enough, this sudden bit of luck would evaporate and that I'd have to learn to be a Professional and handle the disappointment like a big girl.

Two months ago, a project I was assigned to was taken off my hands and handed to the new guy by Elroi, my producer. It wasn't even like a handover or anything. One second I was doing all the work with his help, the next second they were having project meetings without me.

A month ago, Elroi wanted to leave me behind in the office for budget reasons* whilst he, New Guy, and some contracted videographers flew to Semporna to shoot an episode of that project I had been unceremoniously demoted from.  I did what I had to do: I went to the toilet, sat on the lid and let my tears leak out for five minutes before getting back to work. If I worked even harder, I figured, maybe they wouldn't forget me the next time.

On paper Elroi sounds like an asshole, but he's really one of the few people in my life I look up to. This point isn't about him, it's about why I couldn't believe anything until I saw it on paper.

So Ian and I kept on eating until the silence sounded long enough to be considered rude.

"That's great!" I said. I tried to look happy. Why couldn't I look happy?

"Yeah! You'll have tons of fun there!" then he went on telling me about the stuff I had to do while I was there, the food I had to eat, the plays I had to watch, the things I had to get ready for. Ian looked genuinely excited for me - it was the strangest feeling ever. I felt a warm sort of sludgy happiness at the pit of my stomach, mixed with this unexplainable dread and foreboding.

Things picked up a week later, after I received my confirmation letter. I was selected to go for the assignment along with Wen, our other senior producer. (I'm not sure how working with her will go but that's a whole other can of worms for another time.)

I'll try to update while I'm there but it's really hard to jump back on the blogwagon after being off for so long. Seriously, I keep thinking I have a great idea to blog about, and then an hour later I haven't started, and the idea's stupid anyway, and it's not like anyone wants to read about my life.   

*Thankfully New Guy stepped in and reminded Elroi that I had been the one working on that particular episode for the past month. He's left the company now but if you're reading this, know that I'll always love you for that.   

The amazing people at R.AGE (From left: Ian, Viv, Tash Pack, Sam, Hilmi aka new guy, May Lee, Maryam, Hafriz, Wen, and Elroi)

Shooting the episode in Semporna. Without giving too much away, it has something to do with seaweed and the sea gypsies

Sea gypsies live on stilts or boats in crystal clear waters, sometimes far away from any coast

Their brown hair comes from a combination of sun bleaching and malnutrition